Good morning, I’m Renee Montagne.
A move by the world’s biggest drug maker is already giving rise to stimulus jokes. Yesterday, Pfizer announced it would be giving away Viagra to those who’ve lost their jobs. It’s just one of over 70 widely used drugs the company will offer free to those who are newly jobless. Drugs like Lipitor and Celebrex bring in billions in profits. And the amount of good publicity that Pfizer’s goodwill gesture will bring in? Priceless.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Friday, October 31, 2008
Words of Wisdom
DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Just think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like, and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD recorders by having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send it on
its way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, just move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!', thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
CINEMA goers: Please have consideration for pirate DVD recorders by having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS: Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
BURGLARS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
ALCOHOL: makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send it on
its way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, just move it all back again.
CAR thieves: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!', thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.
JEREMY Beadle: When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Creation Vs Evolution
Creation vs Evolution has been settled!
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”
The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?”
The Mother answers, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”
A little girl asked her mother, “How did the human race come about?”
The Mother answered, “God made Adam and Eve; they had children and, so all mankind was made.”
A few days later, the little girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, “Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them.”
The confused girl returns to her mother and says, “Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God , and Papa says we developed from monkeys?”
The Mother answers, “Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side.”
Friday, October 17, 2008
Since this thread started I've realised my whole life revolves around shit!!!
Got up this morning after a heavy night last night (if you live in Newcastle Krafty Kuts was fucking excellent at WHQ last night). I managed to drag myself to the kitchen for some recovery kornflakes and was accompanied by my lovely but foolish dog Star.
Star is a great dog - the best in fact - he looks constantly happy and he has the cutest doggy face, however, he has a fuck annoying habit of chasing the cats round the house and not doing anything with them when he catches them! Anyway, I was just about tolerating Eammon Homs sweaty fuck face on the box when I noticed Stoofer (my cat) was perching on the cat try and going cross eye'd with Star sat in front of him watching.
Still trapped in my beer/substance abuse recovery haze I sat and watched as Stoofer laid 10 cat miles of chocolate pipeline, which Star promptly ate!! FUCK! if anything will put you off food for life its seeing poo getting eaten (animal or human - see other poo related posts from me).
However Star hadn't finished, obviously thrilled with his accomplishment he then decided he'd try and shag the cat. So there he was - Stoofer stood still not understanding wot was going on as Star put his front paws around Stoofer...shot out his pink lipstick dick and began thrusting away about 2 foot in the air above Stoofer!!!
Obviously cat poo is an aphrodisiac and I had just witnessed the sickest display of sexual deviancy since Michael Barrymore (twunt)
(sorry for length - no more I promise!)
Star is a great dog - the best in fact - he looks constantly happy and he has the cutest doggy face, however, he has a fuck annoying habit of chasing the cats round the house and not doing anything with them when he catches them! Anyway, I was just about tolerating Eammon Homs sweaty fuck face on the box when I noticed Stoofer (my cat) was perching on the cat try and going cross eye'd with Star sat in front of him watching.
Still trapped in my beer/substance abuse recovery haze I sat and watched as Stoofer laid 10 cat miles of chocolate pipeline, which Star promptly ate!! FUCK! if anything will put you off food for life its seeing poo getting eaten (animal or human - see other poo related posts from me).
However Star hadn't finished, obviously thrilled with his accomplishment he then decided he'd try and shag the cat. So there he was - Stoofer stood still not understanding wot was going on as Star put his front paws around Stoofer...shot out his pink lipstick dick and began thrusting away about 2 foot in the air above Stoofer!!!
Obviously cat poo is an aphrodisiac and I had just witnessed the sickest display of sexual deviancy since Michael Barrymore (twunt)
(sorry for length - no more I promise!)
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